Grateful

During those times when life seems to throw one stumbling block after another at your feet, it can seem impossible to feel grateful.  Common wisdom tells us to find something in every day for which to feel thankful, even if it's a beautiful sunrise, or a good night's sleep.  Still, digging through all the internal negativity to find that one little shining gem--a sign that in perhaps an imperceptible way, abundance dwells within us.

This year presented me with one unexpected challenge after another.  First there was a mix up with Social Security that left me without my primary source of income for three months straight.  It took numerous trips to the SS office, letters, phone calls, juggling of finances, but I made it through that.  Then, just as it seemed everything was ironed out and going back to normal, I got the phone call about losing my job.

My job.  A source of income, for sure, that helped us make ends meet, but more than that, it became my sense of security.  It gave me a place to belong and an adopted family of sorts.  It gave me purpose and although it didn't require me to step outside my comfort zone often, it provided me with opportunities to grow.  For a while I felt devastated at the loss.  It wasn't so much a worry about income or financial stability, but about a feeling that I had somehow failed, despite how much of myself I poured into it for years.

There were months of chronic pain that I felt I'd never muddle through, months of self-doubt and yes, even pity.  There were setbacks in my relationships, disappointments in people that I put faith in.  Dealing with my illness, financial setbacks and the loss of my job, as I look back on the year, seem like enough to make a person just decide to quit on life.  I admit, there were days when I wanted to.

But at some point it occurred to me, not in black and white or in the form of a coherent single thought; more like a shift in thinking and attitude that eventually propelled me from my lazy stupor on the couch and into action.  I realized if I wanted my life to change, I had to believe in myself again.  I had to change.

So I stepped out of my comfort zone and became an exercise instructor.  Awkward and ill-at ease, I taught Silver Sneakers classes in front of crowded rooms full of senior citizens who were in better physical shape than me.  I took training for my career that I had avoided doing for years because my past job didn't require it.  Then, as I looked for jobs I found one that was too far away, but in every other aspect, perfect for me.  I took the training I needed to snag it, and here I am, three months in to a job I love.  I am so far outside the comfort zone of my status quo from a year ago.  Life keeps throwing me challenges and I keep surprising myself by meeting them head on.

I'm making plenty of mistakes, mind you, but I'm cutting myself some slack too, and letting my mistakes teach me.  Once when I was instructing a Silver Sneakers class I lost the beat of the music and fumbled around on a stage like an idiot.  Seniors were looking at me like I'd lost my mind, most of them stopped trying to keep up and just stared at me.  I realized, I needed to change the tune and move on to something else.  That moment is the metaphor for this entire year of my life.  I keep losing my step and having to reset the music, start over again.

This morning on my way to work, I pondered over all the the things I feel most grateful for.  My heart kicked up a few beats when I thought back over all the challenges I faced and overcame this year.  Then it dawned on me, Resilience.  That's what I'm most thankful for.  Not just my own resilience, but the resilience of mankind.  I've seen people go through some of the worst trials you can imagine, and I've seen them bounce right back.  It doesn't always happen over night, but human beings have an amazing ability to adapt and overcome.  I'm glad I have a little of that.

Even when you aren't living in a healthy body, the mind is an amazingly elastic super-powered engine, propelling us onward and upward and past the stumbling blocks that get thrown at our feet.

Whatever you're struggling with today, just remember you can make it through.  You can recover, you can grow and change.  You can and you will.

Because you are stronger than you know.